This News Sucks

Cold War tensions influenced many American officials to take actions that seem problematic today. Throughout the period of conflict between the democratic United States and the Communist Soviet Union, both sides threatened nuclear annihilation, used chemical and biological warfare in third-world countries, and used government surveillance of domestic protest movements to suppress them. Such actions would shock many Americans today. But one man’s determination to assist his country and protect it from an existential threat has seen a resurrection of one of the most peculiar and bizarre Cold War clandestine activities. The MK-ULTRA program endeavored to control someone's mind through drugs and other brainwashing techniques. “I believe in the strategies that the CIA used decades ago,” commented Ted Franklin, private school teacher and Democratic voter. “We can change the world and protect it from the fascist Donald Trump and his minions.” “My conservative friends can’t say an opinion ...

The entertaining version of U.S. military aircraft named the Thunderbirds stormed across the sky to delight residents across the Austin area to celebrate and honor workers on the frontline. The enthralling display of military air power and prestige by the Thunderbirds has been crossing America recently. “Some people think it's not a good use of money right now, but they’d be paying those pilots right now anyway,” commented Ann Arbor radio talk show host Mark Moran. “Would you rather have them flying in a war zone killing people?” Government authorities required workers at groceries, food producers, health care facilities to go to work, but public officials didn’t require their employers to make sure they got the protective gear the workers needed. “These jobs are essential,” stated Democratic Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer. “Well the people are too, as long as they’re working.” “We need someone to handle those jobs so the rest of us can survive and go on with our lives. We appr...

Tough choices need to be made during the Covid-19 pandemic, and the big question is who will be put in charge of making those difficult decisions. Democratic politicians across the country have turned to the most trusted group in America who handle the most challenging decisions on a day-by-day, minute-by-minute basis - elementary school teachers. “Teachers know how to micromanage the behaviors of little children who don’t know how to behave, and that’s the attitude we need right now to keep everyone from harming themselves and others,” declared Illinois Governor J.B. Pritzker. “Elementary teachers got this,” Pritzker assured his constituents.  “Our people need to be given simplistic messages about either following the rules or dying,” stated New York Governor Mario Cuomo. “What’s worse than death? The disease is death. What’s worse than that?” responded Cuomo to a reporter asking if the attempted “cure” of lockdowns and economic collapse instituted by governors like him might be w...

Supplies of ordinary groceries ran thin during the panic over the coronavirus, but reserves of beer and wine have kept the alcohol shelves full. And now we have evidence that might have been the best prophylactic for a novel virus pandemic. “Beer producers rely on the old models of stocking up high with product and knowing we’ll sell it eventually,” stated Paul Sterling, spokesperson for the National Association of Beer Producers. “While others went on to a just-in-time production model, we stayed with practices that brought us profits. There’s never a big downturn in alcohol sales, only upticks,” explained Sterling.  Many people are staying home and dealing with families they don’t always like. Others who live alone deal with depression and loneliness. Whatever your situation, you’re likely to drink more.  “I always had the rule of no drinking the night before going to work. But I haven’t had to go to my job in weeks. So having a drink, or two, every night fits with the rule,...

Churches have closed down across the American landscape as coronavirus panic infiltrates the sacred domains of religious institutions. Governments throughout the nation have recommended or mandated their closure, and online church services are expanding greatly. “We are actually getting more people tuned in to the sermons than we did in person,” claimed Steven DeCallo of the 1st Baptist Church of Benton, Illinois. “I’m heartened that more people are hearing the Gospel,” stated DeCallo. “Although I wonder how many people are just logging on to make it look like they’re with us and then get on their phone to Facebook it. That thought came to mind when my children told me that’s going on with distance learning among school kids. There’s no substitute for being together,” bemoaned DeCallo. “I’m glad the churches are gone. Mostly what those conservative idiots get in church is the attitude of the deplorable - the racist, sexist, xenophobic crap,” argued Susan Alter, Social Justice War...

Politicians nationwide have turned America into a quasi-fascist state bent on creating the worst economic depression since before World War II. Lockdowns have been led by liberal establishment government officials in states like Oregon, and in cities like Austin, Texas. “We all have to do our part. That is the only way we’ll get past this crisis,” pleaded Austin Mayor Steve Adler as he headed back to his downtown condo.  Neither progressives nor the Antifa crowd have taken to the streets lately to protest the recent suspension of civil liberties and constitutional rights. “We are telling people to stay safe and sign the online petitions,” said local Black Lives Matter (BLM) activist Jayden Winston. Democratic Socialists of America (DSA) activist in Bloomington-Normal Joel Studebaker stated “People are losing their jobs and can’t pay rent. We need a moratorium on rent and debt.” Studebaker urged people to act. “I hope @WGLTNews and @Pantagraph will be asking town officials...