This News Sucks

Anticipating a great day of outdoor hiking, Ben Rosenfeld went to his favorite disc golf course hoping to revel in the magic of flight that one experiences throwing discs. But Rosenfeld was met with a big sign saying the course was closed due to the Covid 19 shutdown. “They had plastic bags over the targets and signs saying they are closed. One placard wrote “VIRUS” as the cause at Circle C,” stated Rosenfeld, an amateur disc golfer. Numerous disc golf enthusiasts and associations colluded with the city and distributed email messages and social media posts that golfers should stay off the courses rather than risk the health of others. “The city originally said go to the courses but do it with social distancing,” stated disc golfer John Ryan. “Circle C, at least, was packed with goobers acting like it was just a big national holiday,” complained Ryan, who is now relegated to practicing his putting in his backyard. “We gotta keep our relationship with the city leaders and get bene...

Remember that first pet you picked up from the shelter, the furry little puppy or the cuddly cat. The Covid 19 crisis has ignited a wave of nostalgia for those times as pet adoptions soar during the shelter in place guidelines. “We’ve set it up online to request a pet and then curbside pickup,” explained Stephanie Bilbro, Austin Pets Alive director of Lifesaving Operations. “Our goal has been no-kill and all adoptions since our inception years ago. We’re heartened that the current crisis has spurred people to fulfill our mission.” Austin’s municipal leadership recently approved a no-cost adoption policy for all sheltered animals. “Our neighbors are stuck in their homes, and now is the time to add a member to the family,” stated Austin Mayor Paul Adler. “It won’t cost you anything. Just open your heart to a pet that needs a home just like yours,” implored the Austin Mayor and humanitarian. Documents obtained from the city government in a public records request indicated several me...

You’ve heard the phrase from cultural elites and the hoi polloi. Ghandi famously stated “Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” The Mahatma was probably quoted while philosophizing and testing his restraint in lying naked next to a young woman. Versions of the phrase have also made it into Hollywood movies like Vision Quest. In the 1980s hit, the main character Louden Swain is a teenage wrestler and stellar student athlete chasing the dream of beating the state champion. Swain concludes the movie with “We got to love those people who deserve it like there's no tomorrow. 'Cause when you get right down to it - there isn't.” “I loved that movie when I was in High School. We watched it a ton of times. That was before Netflix and the internet so we didn’t have a lot of options other than the VCR,” commented Andrew James, whose dedication to the credo has led him to a life of debauchery and desolation. “What high school kid wouldn’t love a...

During the recent Covid 19 crisis, governments at all levels have set standards for businesses staying open which are deemed essential. In the U.S. Congress, lawmaking appears not to be an essential activity. Congressional participation in the first coronavirus relief bill was sparse in the House. The Democratic leadership, whose members are the majority, had organized a strategy of getting a unanimous consent vote, but a Republican stopped that by requiring a voice vote. “There was kind of yelling out of yays and nays,” remembered Alexandria Ocasio Cortez, making an easily understood process sound confusing. “I want to show up and vote and be involved with the process, but I have to think about my staff and their families,” commented Cedric Richmond, Democratic Representative from Louisiana. “We are being hit real hard in my home state and I don’t want to make it worse.” Richmond did not seem as concerned about the well-being of his state’s residents when he posted on Facebook “...

Alexandria Ocasio Cortez took to the House floor over two weeks ago and spoke vociferously against the Republican Party failing the American people on the Coronavirus relief bill, also known as the CARES Act. “The corporate bailout was huge but all the American people got was crumbs,” complained AOC on the House floor. The bill came down to a voice vote and it sounded like only one or two individuals with deep voices could be heard on the no side. AOC may have just been drowned out in one more instance of patriarchy and the exclusion of women’s voices, so progressives have inquired whether she voted for or against the CARES Act. “I would have voted against it,” responded AOC on Democracy Now!, a progressive news outlet that transformed from anti-establishment to anti-Trump since 2016. It took two weeks for AOC and her staff to confirm the hypothetical statement. “It would have been a lot clearer if they would have asked and she responded in Spanish,” opined Maria Hinojosa, host o...

Politicians nationwide have turned America into a fascist state bent on creating the worst economic depression since before World War II. Lockdowns have been led by liberal establishment government officials in states like Oregon, and in cities like Austin, Texas. “We all have to do our part. That is the only way we’ll get past this crisis,” pleaded Austin Mayor Steve Adler as he headed back to his downtown condo. Neither progressives nor the Antifa crowd have not taken to the streets lately to protest the recent suspension of civil liberties and constitutional rights. “We are telling people to stay safe and sign the online petitions,” said local Black Lives Matter (BLM) activist Jayden Winston. Democratic Socialists of America (DSA) activist in Bloomington-Normal Joel Studebaker stated “People are losing their jobs and can’t pay rent. We need a moratorium on rent and debt.” Studebaker urged people to act. “I hope @WGLTNews and @Pantagraph will be asking town officials about this,”...

The Trump presidency has seen push back in the streets even before he took office. Protests emerged as soon as the moribund Democratic Party and their legacy candidate Hillary Clinton lost to the most unpopular candidate in modern history in the 2016 presidential election. But with lockdown orders precipitated by liberal government officials across the country, the form and style of protests have had to change along with so many other social activities in America. “It's much easier to just sit at home and get angry online. We’re hoping the resistance to Trump will gain momentum as we shelter in place,” stated teacher activist Toby Trunkle. “But for me showing up on the streets makes me feel better than going online,” commented Trunkle, comparing social media to ineffectual and self-absorbed street theater. “But that is a sacrifice we have to make right now to keep people safe.” “When so many people around you are saying the same thing you know you’re right to protest Trump,...

Science writer and professor Micheal Shermer has come under attack in the social media world for consorting with beelzebub after writing his latest book “Give the Devil His Due.” Little known outside of the social bubble of conspiracy theorists and their detractors, Shermer has long gone after quacks and charlatans of every stripe. “Why is he giving devils like Jordan Peterson a platform, unless he’s alt right?” questioned Chandra Newman, professor of literature at Mt. Hollins College in Oregon. Asked if she had read Shermers new book or any of his writings, she responded “Of course, what I read about him on Twitter.” “I looked at the back cover and Jordan Peterson endorses the book. And Shermer gives a whole chapter to Jordan Peterson. Please,” complained Portland Antifa member and university student who goes by the moniker Raven Spartacus online and in the streets. “I’m keeping track of these apostates, so we can protest them,” stated Raven. The blurb by Peterson actually start...

Your brother says it when he doesn’t accept your invitation to dinner. Your colleagues say it when you invite them to lunch. Even your friends say it when they don’t respond to your texts. “I’m too busy” remains a staple of American excuses. The burdens of modern American life abound. “All the commitments to careers, family, and your own self-actualization leave little time in the day for anything else,” commented life coach Jenny Steurville. “So when you confront all the political issues you’ve heard on NPR and you’ve seen on Facebook posts by your friends, it’s hard to know how to make a difference because everyone is so busy.” “We stay politically engaged,” declared special education teacher and local musician Teri Braxton. “We marched in the anti-Trump protest after the election. That felt good to make a stand against his sexism and racism. But usually we don’t have time to protest all the things we hear about on MSNBC because we’re so busy.” “Many Americans make a differenc...

A general consensus seems to be emerging that grocery clerks and health workers are the new heroes. “They are risking their lives and that is truly heroic,” stated Jasmine Rodriguez as she left the local HEB grocery store in South Austin. As the Covid 19 pandemic moves like a snail through the Austin population, business owners have moved at a similar pace to provide their staff with proper gear, equipment, and workplace procedures that protect the workforce. “Yes, they should have protective gear and if they don’t that’s Trump’s fault,” complained Joey Montaigne, local attorney. “But the rest of us have to eat and get toilet paper which is essential. So these workers, they’re heroes for putting their life on the line for us and I think that is so patriotic.” Grocery cashier Gwen Walker was asked if she had been given the proper personal protection equipment at her essential service job, she responded “Not as much as we need. I’m concerned about my family getting sick.” Walker al...

While podcaster Joe Rogan has been used to stirring up the Social Justice Warriors and liberal media pundits, his latest comments may turn out to be the most controversial yet. When discussing the 2020 presidential election on his widely popular YouTube podcast, Rogan claimed Joe Biden was such a terrible, awful joke of a candidate that he might vote for Trump before he’d vote for Biden. “Joe Rogan keeps claiming he’s not alt-right and yet here we again have evidence that he not only talks like the alt-right, but that he’s going to vote like the alt-right,” angrily commented Neera Tanden on the Rachel Maddow show. Tanden, who heads up the liberal think tank Center for American Progress, continued “Honestly, I don’t understand how that fight promoter Rogan can get as many viewers in one podcast as you get in a month Rachel,” inadvertently referring to the enormous reach of Rogan compared to the paltry viewership of MSNBC. The liberal media backlash against Rogan for daring to say...

Ashlyn Flowers started her work day like so many during these days of lockdowns and shelter in place orders. She brewed a wonderful cup of French roast coffee and sipped it while enjoying her spinach and goat cheese omelet. The mother of three knew she would be helping her children with their online school work throughout the day and then end with a run before dinner. But first she needed to catch up with her workmates in this morning’s Zoom conference. The law firm where Ms. Flowers has been employed as a paralegal for a decade had used that online conference tool since the stay at home order began. “We had been using it smoothly for the first few days,” law partner Jenny Chalmers calmly stated. “The Ashlyn incident was a major blunder. It wasn’t long after that when we decided to move to a different platform.” “The coffee usually makes me go early and I made my way to the loo,” Ms Flowers tried to explain. “I swear I pushed the icon to stop my video feed, but maybe I hit the mic...

The Covid 19 crisis has exposed many wounds in American culture. Now a conflict as old as the Bible has crept back into conversations of observant Jews in a Baltimore neighborhood. “See our elders knew another day would come like this and we had to stop using yeast and waiting,” explained local restaurateur David Broder. As grocery shelves are emptied of many prized possessions like toilet paper and dishwasher fluid, baker's yeast has also disappeared quickly.  “And I’ll tell you that if our forebears did wait for the bread to rise then you were dead because you waited and didn't act,” Broder continued. “So why didn’t they just make their own natural yeast? Like sourdough bread uses fermented yeast, right?” questioned local attorney Jill Abramson. “No, they had the yeast. They just had to flee or else they were gonna get killed. Ok, ok. So you are missing the point neighbor. The story is about the importance of acting and not waiting,” confirmed Broder. “I thought the...

While the pundits and politicos wrote off the movement-builder Bernie Sanders from winning the Democratic Presidential nomination, a ravaging storm named Covid 19 flipped everything around. The economy is in a tailspin as much of the country has to shelter in place and only essential businesses run as normal. And the country is looking for a take-charge leader to displace Trump who will be seen as failing the country in leadership during this crisis come November. In normal times Americans would be their usual timid self and nominate a moderate like Joe Biden even though he is arguably a worse candidate than Trump. But the panic and fear of the coronavirus changed all that, at least for now. As Primary elections continue the only group who is risking their health to vote in large numbers is the 18-35 demographic. “I get about 80 percent of that vote,” bragged Sanders. “Nobody else gets those kinds of numbers.” As older voters stayed home Bernie has won big majorities in the lat...