Heavy Drinking Might Be Greatest Preventer Of Covid-19 Disease

Supplies of ordinary groceries ran thin during the panic over the coronavirus, but reserves of beer and wine have kept the alcohol shelves full. And now we have evidence that might have been the best prophylactic for a novel virus pandemic.

“Beer producers rely on the old models of stocking up high with product and knowing we’ll sell it eventually,” stated Paul Sterling, spokesperson for the National Association of Beer Producers. “While others went on to a just-in-time production model, we stayed with practices that brought us profits. There’s never a big downturn in alcohol sales, only upticks,” explained Sterling. 

Many people are staying home and dealing with families they don’t always like. Others who live alone deal with depression and loneliness. Whatever your situation, you’re likely to drink more. 

“I always had the rule of no drinking the night before going to work. But I haven’t had to go to my job in weeks. So having a drink, or two, every night fits with the rule,” commented paralegal Maria Hernandez while sipping on her third glass of wine. “And the lawyers at the firm are so disorganized or drinking too much themselves, I never have trouble keeping up with them as we work online.”

“We’re starting to gather the data that indicates the more you drink, and the more often you drink, the more likely you are to have gotten the virus but were asymptomatic,” concluded Avery Hanson, the lead researcher at the USC Department of Public Health. 

“It will be difficult to state this with scientific certainty, though, since almost everybody is drinking more. There’s almost no way to do a double blind study. Kind of like the glory days of psychedelic research,” reflected Hanson.

“When I said it’s too bad we don’t have a bleach on the inside I was sort of joking but I did think in the back of my mind there might be something,” President Trump weighed in during a FOX News interview. “I don’t drink, and didn’t think about this possibility. But the research on drinking will prove me correct … again.”